6am, depart from Little Rock. Arrive in Chicago. 14 hour flight direct from Chicago to Seoul. Arrive in Seoul at 2am back home - it will be 5pm Saturday there. My boss is picking me up at the airport, then I don't know what. I finally find out where my apartment is and what it looks like and what's in it and what I'll need to go buy? He does a brief orientation over coffee or tea, then shows me the school? Some sort of staff meet and greet, or is that saved for later? I start shadowing Monday? I think? I honestly don't know.. my contract says three days, so maybe it's Tuesday since next Friday is a holiday.. At the very least, I'll have a full day and a half to get settled before I start the three training days. And the following week, my contract officially starts and the classes are mine.
Once I get there my phone will stop working on the network.. I'll be 100% relying on wifi connections until I get the phone thing sorted out. Does my school have something planned or set up for me? I don't know.. For knowing a lot, I feel like I don't know anything.
Here, the thing that sinks the hardest is realizing that almost every time I do something, I'm doing it for the last time. Like enchilada Wednesday tomorrow. Resetting that person's password that gets lost or forgotten once every two weeks or so. And god, every time I see or run into someone - a former classmate, an acquaintance even - I think to myself, "this might really be the last time I see this person." I even felt like I needed to say goodbye to that kid who works at the gas station across from the hotel.. the kid who wears headphones and doesn't even look up or acknowledge me while I'm buying a drink before work. Does he even know I've been coming in there nearly four times a week since July? He probably doesn't, but nevertheless his cold way of treating me like some annoying customer he needed to quickly get rid of was a part of my life here, which means he was a part of my life. So when I nodded, took my things, and mumbled "goodbye" as I was leaving (knowing that he didn't see or hear me), in my mind it hit me that I was actually saying goodbye - to him and that overpriced gas station where the police car is always parked at night making me feel somewhat safe if I'm working and paranoid if I'm driving somewhere. The gas station where I've used the same pump for six years for countless trips to Hot Springs, Malvern, Little Rock, and Texarkana. If I can get this vivid and nostalgic over something like a gas station, imagine how I feel about things with actual substance.. I mean we are talking about me here, is there anyone in this world who's more sappy? Don't answer that.
I've decided I'll keep posting here occasionally. Tumblr makes more sense for most of my Korea posts because I'm making "friends", or at the very least connections, there. People who are doing the same thing as me who will be there for advice and support during tougher times because who else do we have out there? But at the end of the day, it seems like these are all temporary. Conditional, dependent on us being in Korea. Once one of us leaves that life, we leave the people who are still living it. So for that reason, things can't get too serious and I feel like posting a giant wall of text like this is too much of a burden for that blog (although it does happen occasionally). So when I feel a post like this coming, I think I will always come back here for that.
It occurs to me that it has now been almost a month since I've heard anything from Jose. I've been good. I know that it's ultimately his decision, even if I think it's a shitty one. I said what I needed to say and didn't get a response, and no, I didn't keep pushing after that. After I did everything I could, I let it go. Anyone who knows me understands just how difficult that was for me. But in the back of my mind, I had a feeling that if anything ever happened to our friendship, it would be over something like this. So.. I guess I was prepared for it. Jose doesn't just get into short casual relationships, or relationships that don't work out. Once he's in, he's in, even if it sucks (aka the latter part of our relationship when we were together), and he'll stick it out until something drastic happens. I guess this is really it then. Right now I'm trying to think of what I would want to say to him, if anything, if I knew I was going to die soon (morbid, I know, but being someone who thinks of everything has its downsides). Once I figure it out, I'll write it down and keep it somewhere just in case this really is the end of our friendship. I'm just having a hard time.. And I don't want to be told that I'm being a baby or that I should just grow up and leave him alone - for one, I AM leaving him alone. Jesus christ I haven't even spoken to him in exactly four weeks today. What, does she think I'm gonna try to seduce and take him away from her? Wtf? And two, how am I supposed to act? Less dramatic? Are you kidding me right now? Do you think I'm over dramatizing the fact that for at LEAST the past two years I've had one person who has listened to EVERY SINGLE PROBLEM I've had - down to the ones I couldn't bring myself to talk to about with anyone else in the world - and he made the decision to pursue a relationship in which, as it turns out, there's no room for a friend like me? Isn't that supposed to make me feel like I'm dying? Siiiighhh..