lyricalib @ livejournal

I'm tired. All the time. And it just keeps getting worse. I've had a headache for going on a straight week now, and the best I can do is take medicine to temporarily get rid of the pain. Once the medicine wears off, it comes right back. I feel like all I can do is sit around and sleep, and when I wake up I don't feel the slightest bit rested. And I'm tired of doctors telling me I'm just stressed or that I don't get enough exercise. Tell me that when my head doesn't start spinning just from walking across the parking lot on a hot day. If I thought MORE exercise would help rather than hurt, I'd be out there for twice as long every day but the fact is I barely have the energy to move around right now, much less actually TRY to exert myself. And the stress thing.. The problem with that is that this never changes, no matter how stressed I am or am not. As a matter of fact, right now I feel great. Happy, even. But the lack of energy is worse now than it was when I was in school.

That said, if I could just figure out what's wrong with me things are going great right now. I'm dealing with living here for the time being by apartment hunting in my spare time, and that makes me feel better. Like I have something to look forward to. I'm trying not to let things get to me, but honestly I've sort of just consented to the fact that things are going to piss me off and the best I can do is wait for it to be over. I don't imagine I'll be able to do much to repair this once it's done, but at the very least I'll be a hell of a lot more pleasant for even them to be around. Just let the money make it through the next few months..

I have a new job. Well, I mean I still have this job at HSU, but I'm about to be officially on the payroll at Fountain Lake High School as their woodwind tech. They really wanted me for their flutes, but apparently I get to do some sax/clarinet stuff, too. I'm just happy to be teaching while at the moment students are not the most reliable.. This job is for the summer/fall semester with the possibility of continuing as long as I'm available. That's pretty exciting, I mean I definitely need an extra source of income and if this can continue into the fall.. Yeah. Good. I'm tired and not making much sense, but I think I'm pretty good at rambling. :P

When I was a kid, I guess that was all I ever had to do because in between school (more often than not, DURING school), meals, and sleep it's all I ever did. I'd finish a book and start a new one immediately after. And if I didn't have a new one to read, I'd spend a few minutes looking at my bookshelf and pick one I'd already read to start again. The striking thing about finishing a book that particularly reaches you is that, afterwards, everything around you seems different. You look at things, people, and your surroundings, all in a different light. And in a lot of cases, you assess your own life and realize that it just feels inadequate. And the hole that's left by the end of the previous book can only be replaced by finding a new one to read.. so that's how it started. Damn it. Well, I've got time..

I wonder if this is what ultimately prepared me for my life as an adult.. for things like problem solving and relationships. And what to expect from other people. Maybe everything I've thought about what life is really like has been shaped by some fictional universe.. that, and a rocky marriage that ultimately ended because my father changed his mind. I do think I fell in love with fictional characters long before I ever loved anyone for real, and I know a great deal of my expectations came from books. But if it's so good, what's wrong with wanting something like that in real life? If things like this exist inside people's heads, then it has to be capable of working out that way even if things aren't always easy.

Reality doesn't have to be so bad.. I woke up this morning reminding myself how lucky I am to be alive and how great it is that so many amazing people exist and that so many of them are in my life. The drive to work was beautiful, the McDonald's drive-through a bit annoying, the coffee and oatmeal once I got here made my morning. I'm sitting at a desk browsing the internet and talking to anyone who walks by or calls, and I couldn't be happier to be here. Honestly. I'm short on money, barely making paychecks last even though I'm barely spending, but every time I think I won't have enough a new opportunity shows up that takes care of me for a little while longer. And I'm happy. Not in this "omg finally I've been rescued from my horrible life into a brand new one full of rainbows and cupcakes and penguins".. more like I've always known how to be happy, and sometimes I need to be reminded, but through every little dip in the road I've always been able to manage a positive outlook. Only, right now I don't even have to try. I'm just riding whatever high this is and hoping it doesn't end any time soon.

Saturday night I decided to stay up all night reading, and I didn't get to bed until 5am.. I thought I'd make up for it by going to bed on time last night, but apparently my body is still mad at me - that, or it could be the fact that our AC isn't working, again, and a week after reporting it they still haven't sent anyone out. I hate them. Not an exaggeration, I can't wait to move out of this house.

That.. wasn't meant for you. Whoa. Holy shit, you went off. I wouldn't be making some coy little hint at you about how I'd like someone who can handle all my shit, knowing the entire time that you're sitting there waiting for me, if it had just been made abundantly clear during our relationship that you CAN'T handle my shit. That whole comment was made at the entire pool of datable individuals out there who AREN'T you because you can't handle my shit. Even the little shit, even the legitimate shit like the fact that I need a lot of space sometimes. And you still have it in your head that I should've told you and that the reason our relationship fell apart is because I chose not to tell you things. I'm tired of explaining to you how many times I TRIED to talk to you about things like this, and even over little things I would get some sort of fit from you. And honestly, maybe I should specify that being able to handle everything about me is sort of a moot point if I can't handle all of YOUR shit.

This was the formula for one of our arguments:

1. I, completely unknowingly, do something that hurts you. Every single time with very few exceptions, this is always the first step. It could be an evening of little to no affection because I'm nervous or stressed about something, or it could be something more specific like me mentioning a guy's name. Not just an ex, some guy, although in most cases just the mere mention of an ex boyfriend would send you off the deep end. "Some guy" would just spark some jealousy in you, but regardless it would be enough for a step one. I feel myself wanting to derail here, so more on that later. Something else. Me snapping at you because you annoyed me. Because I get annoyed easily. Because I got annoyed with you a lot. Regardless, I've hurt your feelings, and you feel like I should apologize to you for it when quite frankly it's not that big of a deal and you should just get over it.

2. That said.. even though you're just miffed right now, you don't say anything. You know it's not that big of a deal, so you just let it sit there and decide you're going to make the best of it. You TRY to get over it, but for some reason you just can't let it go and at this point, ANYTHING I say from here on out can be hurtful to you. Now it's almost as if you're looking for me to do something so you can nail me on it. And from here, it snowballs. A bunch of little things that in your mind add up to big things.

3. This could go one of two different ways. I either say something that causes you to snap, or you sit there fuming for the rest of the night until I feel obligated to ask you about it even though I know our real fight is about to start and that's the whole reason I've been putting it off the entire night. I get a series of rants about how I don't do enough to reassure you, how for the last 8 years you've been mentally conditioned to see me a certain way and it's going to take time and effort from both of us to help you recover, how I'm the most important person in the world to you and you just don't feel that coming from me. Oh, I loved it when you would throw "8 years" and "you're the most important person" in my face.

4. The fight goes on. And on. We talk and try to sort things out. And then I get tired. I feel like this is going nowhere, and anything that might have upset me during the argument is long gone in my head. The only thing on my mind now is ending this. I probably have to be up early in the morning and I know I can't legitimately say that to you without you going off, so I hang in there. Wait for an opportunity to calm you down. Apologize, even though I don't feel like I should be apologizing for you going off on me. Convince you that my apology is sincere even though in most cases it's not. I could sit here and argue the fact that I don't feel like an apology is necessary and throw my foot down like I did the night on the phone when I was in Wal-Mart, but honestly most of the time I didn't want to spend the extra time on the phone that night adding more fuel to the argument. I just want it to be over. Sorry, but sleep ranks higher in my list of priorities than arguing with you EVERY time. No matter what the argument is about or how important it is. Sleep is more important to me.

And you think we could have changed that? Maybe. We could have left out step 2 if you'd just talked to me about whatever it was instead of letting things snowball. You could have made attempts to be more calm. But the thing is, I sit there looking at you when you're trying to "keep yourself from getting angry", your closed eyes and deep breathing, clenched fists, and you know what I see? Anger. A short fuse ready to go off at any moment, as soon as I say one thing that gives you an excuse. And no, I don't think you could have contained that. That is what made me unhappy. And although I had trouble denying it in our talk that Tuesday, on the phone when I said I wanted it to be over, I don't think I loved that person anymore.

I cared about you, I DID love you, and for a very long time I was able to patiently overlook things that bothered me. The anger and jealousy mostly. When I say overlook I mean without even trying. I saw everything optimistically and really believed that your good was able to outshine your bad in my eyes. But over time I realized I couldn't do that anymore. It almost did a complete reverse and I could only see the things that made me unhappy. I honestly don't think there was a way we could have seen this coming or prevented it.. but I could only see myself as unhappy in our relationship, and that's all I'll ever be able to see. Because I honestly think you need to hear this, even though I know you hate the thought of being compared to him.. when I spoke to Jose in retrospect about our relationship, he said "Well if you want my honest opinion, it sounds like you just dated another Brandon." And honestly, he's right. Except that I was a hell of a lot more honest with you and for that reason, it didn't last nearly as long. I left when I realized I was unhappy, isn't that what you wanted? I think it's what he would have wanted, too, even though he fought so hard to keep me every time. I wanted to leave. I just didn't have it in me to ever really say that to him directly.. the best I could do for him was put distance between us, and that was shitty on my part. At least I was able to do better than that for you.

Back to a previous topic.. Do you know why I would be "hard pressed to find a guy who'd be willing to accept me being friends or hanging out with an ex"? You said something like that a lot, I guess in an attempt to get me to see that most other guys would be on your side. The reason that most guys wouldn't be okay with that is that most guys our age are immature and possessive. And not possessive in the good, kinda cute way, possessive in the "I can't let her out of my sight because I don't trust her" way. And I don't want to date any of them, so how is that a valid point? My exes are still people, people with good qualities, but the fact is things didn't work out with them for a reason and I'm over it (whether they are or not, which in most cases they are). And if I'm in a relationship, I'm in a relationship. Whoever I'm with needs to trust me and get the fuck over it, but I guess with you that was too much to ask. But you couldn't handle Dustin even being in the living room? You walked in and we had an argument over him being there and whether it was alright for you to expect me to get rid of him, when we should have been arguing over whether to stay together in the first place. You know, if there's one thing I'm thankful for, it's that I no longer have that ban. It's nice to not be told who I'm allowed to talk to as an adult. But you just couldn't get over that.. the fact is, I was with you. Happy or not, I was with you and not with him. He knew where he stood, and he knew where I stood. I WAS WITH YOU. Well, I was. Regardless of any hurt I still felt over that past relationship, I was still with you. Sigh.. It doesn't matter, you're still going to feel like something was going on or would have gone on if I'd talked to him. 

Once again, I'm not even sure why I'm doing this. I have no reason to be angry, but for some reason I feel like I'm being accused of something and it just bothers me. Idk.

Man, I am a difficult person. I realize that. I'm irritable, I'm impatient, I don't like to be alone but I don't like to be suffocated.. I expect things to be a certain way but when they're not I lack the balls to say anything about it, I guess I'd rather live in this area of uncertainty/awkwardness where the conflict is successfully avoided. It's a delicate balance, really. If someone can truly put up with all that for any real length of time without ever letting it get to them, then I am thoroughly impressed. <3

Grades are posted, all except Instrumentation. So far I've got a 4.0 and with that grade added (certainly not an A, but hopefully high enough to count) this should be my best semester so far. I'm happy to finally be free of stress from school for a while.. I'm not sure I remember what that's supposed to feel like, but it should kick in any time now. I've been reading so much more and watching tv shows and playing games.. it doesn't feel real. There is one thing that's shooting reality back through me, and that's my half day of work. It still makes every day seem way too short. I have that one, albeit much larger, window of free time every day between getting home from work and having to go to sleep so I can wake up early the next morning. I certainly can't complain, though. Small amounts of time spent working and huge amounts of time spent at home, doing something enjoyable or sleeping. It's nice.

Just when I'm here. Now that I have all this extra spare time to just sit around at home, I.. don't want to. In fact I'd rather be anywhere but here right now. I've been home since noon and haven't left my room since I got here. I feel trapped. It's hard to explain, but for some reason I just can't bring myself to go out there. Something about them sitting there in the living room.. always sitting there.. never going anywhere else.. just makes me feel like it's not my place. Like my place is right here and I can't go anywhere else. And it sucks, because the couple of times I've contemplated leaving (fast food run, RFA to practice, lower dam to sit outside and read) I've thought of the five second walk from my room to the front door, right past them, and it scares me into sitting here longer.

I'm going crazy. It's not just the cleaning, I've gotten used to cleaning up after them every day during lunch. It's just being around them.. her, I guess. At least he talks to me and genuinely attempts to be pleasant. I say something to her and I feel like all I get is a forced response, as if she thinks it would be easier for us both if we could just not talk. But that makes the whole thing even worse for me. So I'm supposed to go out there and try to look busy while I scramble to make myself a sandwich, then hurry back into my room so I can stop interrupting whatever it is they're doing? I know I'm overreacting, but I don't know how not to feel like this. I just feel completely helpless. And now I'd really like to go out there and fix myself a lunch that isn't hurried, something that I can make on the stove then spend several minutes cleaning up the mess before I retreat to my room to eat. Or maybe not. Maybe I'd like to sit in the kitchen and eat. And at no point during that time would I feel awkward or like I was intruding.. I'd just be home. In a different part of my home. Damn, I feel like I can't even go to the bathroom. Every time I get brave enough to check and see if it's empty, I hear someone go in there and turn on the water or open a cabinet. And now I'm pretty hungry. This is really pathetic. Wtf kind of phobia is this that I can't leave my room if I know one of my roommates is occupying the space out there?

Of all the problems people could have.. I feel like I'm being pretty childish here and that maybe I should just suck it up. But it's not like there's anything else I can do.. If I talk to her about this problem, in absolutely no situation will I NOT come out sounding like a complete bitch. "I'm sorry, you want me to NOT be in my living room?" "Well, I.. It's just that I think maybe.. could you just not ALWAYS be in there?" "So you live with me, but you can't be in the same room as me." "It's not that, it's just well.. I mean I don't walk into your bedroom at will and since you're always in the living room that's kind of what I feel like I'm doing any time I leave my room." I don't know.. none of this sounds reasonable. I'm not being reasonable. I just don't play well with others, I guess. My bad. =\

This morning.. I finished my transcription for Instrumentation. I used the second movement of the piccolo piece I performed on my recital, which was only about 50 measures in length and in my opinion transitioned pretty well to chamber orchestra. I kind of had fun doing it although the process was incredibly stressful. At least I had lots of moral support during the first hour or so which I spent swearing at my iPad. This app is really cool, it's called Symphony Pro and it cost $15. The really nice thing about it is that I did my entire instrumentation project on my tablet, and working on a touch screen was better than you'd think for something like this. I was frustrated while trying to get used to the program, but it was the same getting used to Finale for the first time. Little things like slurs and compound note values were a pain (it took me forever to figure out how to do a double dotted note), and the program did crash several times which was pretty annoying. And there was this strange bug where I'd end up with random slurs down at the bottom of the page that weren't leading anywhere. I did eventually figure out how to get rid of them, but they kept showing up and I'd have to clear them out right before each export.

Now I'm printing and organizing my notebook for the class.. Everything is due today at 5, and I'm almost completely finished. After today is over, I have nothing to worry about - the final is on Thursday and I've done well on every test so far so I'm not afraid of this one. It's hard to believe I'm looking at the finish line right now and I feel pretty good. I still don't have a clue what I want to do or where I want to go after I graduate in December, but I have so many options and none of them scare me. I'm just excited. 

I'm worried about my brother. It looks like his girlfriend decided to ditch him and now he's out of a car, phone, and a place to live. I'm not exactly sorry I was "rude" to her or that I gave her a "dirty ass look" when he brought her to the house. I may be a tad judgmental at times, but I knew from the moment I saw her that he was making a stupid choice. Any girl who's okay with dating a married man is probably not exactly quality material. =\

He needs help. I hope he will see that. I'd like to say there's a chance for him and Katy to work things out, but for what? His new ex was right about one thing, he can't stop lying. About everything. It's all he's ever done - any time he feels like he's going to be in any kind of trouble he says the first thing that comes to his mind, and that's usually a lie to save his ass. And they usually aren't even good lies, but he will defend them with such conviction it's scary. I kind of wish he'd understand that sometimes it's okay to tell the truth if you did something wrong - that the people who matter aren't going to ditch him for owning up to something, but he's only hurting everyone more by lying to them. But you even start to attempt talking to him about it, and all he can do is go on the defensive. He turns everything around, starts the "oh like you're so perfect" tirade until he's broken you down and you've accomplished nothing. I wonder if he actually understands what it feels like to be completely honest with just one person. I have this feeling that once he experiences that, he won't want to go back. But I'm afraid that he never will and that there's nothing anyone can do to help him.

I knew this was going to happen sooner or later. Funny how everyone is always so damned OCD about making sure that bathroom door gets locked, when I, with no lock, am the only one in actual danger of getting walked in on. This was not just a quick and mild invasion, though.. First of all I thought it was pretty fucking obvious that I was in there considering the water had just been turned off, I'd just opened the shower curtain and was standing there with my towel trying to dry my hair. A knock, maybe? Nope, let's just push the door wide open.

The funny part.. When it happened, I'm standing there all awkwardly and the only thing I can think to say is, "Oh.. I'm sorry." Why did I apologize? And her response: a quick muttered, "It's okay," as she turns around and closes the door again. I guess we were both equally startled by the encounter.

So that's fun. Hopefully she'll be more careful from now on. :)

I'm being careful. Spacing everything out just fine, not overdoing it. Just trying to get healthy again. I'm not worried about losing weight or anything, I'm just tired of being tired all the time. My body feels heavy and fatigued and little bits of effort here and there take too much out of me. That's sad for a person of my age. And last night was really wonderful actually - cloudy but not rainy, a bit humid but still sort of breezy. I was a little disappointed with how much I've dropped in terms of stamina, but I took it a step at a time and within a couple of weeks I think I'll be back to my eight minute mile. Or ten minutes.. maybe twelve. I care more about stamina than speed.

I'm also eating better. I'm still drinking my cup of coffee every morning because the smile it gives me is too much for me to pass on, but aside from that I've been drinking mostly water - and a lot of it. Not just when I'm thirsty enough to get up and get something to drink. I'm no health nut by any means but I know eating less fast food and taking smaller portions when I make food at home is far better for me than what I've been doing, aka eating past the "full" point because I don't want to be wasteful.

That said, I'm hardcore procrastinating on doing this instrumentation homework right now.. I wish it could just be summer already, I'm enjoying my sudden desire for productivity here lately. I cleaned the kitchen and started to clean my room (I need to do laundry in a bit). Looking around at a mostly clean house makes me pretty happy. Roommates have gotten better about keeping their stuff out of the way, too. :) Anyway, now I think I'm going to exhaust some energy on the living room then come back and work on this transcription. I need a short piano piece to transcribe for full band/orchestra.. ideas? Ugh.

The last week or so has been strange.. I've just been sitting around a lot, watching a lot of movies, and otherwise really enjoying my free time. I'd say it's been because of the weight lifting at the end of the semester, but that can't possibly be true - I had my last wind ensemble concert last night, I've got a transcription and a notebook due next Tuesday, and my evenings this week have been pretty packed. I guess it's just that when I do have free time, I don't really have anything to fill it with and I can honestly say I'm okay with that. It means I get to choose, I suppose. You said you were hopeful that I'd realize my mistake and change my mind, and I think I owe it to you to let you know that I now realize that's not going to happen. Regardless of any problems we could have worked through, I can see now that our relationship wasn't what I wanted.

I feel like I'm getting bombarded by your facebook updates. I'm not sure if I should change it or not, but the fact is I don't feel a sting when I see something that seemed like it was directed at me (like a song or something). My blood doesn't boil at the sight of a girl from your past who literally popped up again right after we stopped talking. You were a flirt. I hated that. And not for the reason you probably thought, either.. That little ego boost you got from having the knowledge that a girl liked you. Why'd you need that? Why did you SEEK it out? And I suppose our definitions of flirting were always quite different.. I thought that was disgusting. I felt filthy just thinking about it. The "I'm just a natural flirt" post was 100% directed at you, by the way. You said it once before and I could never really get it out of my head after that. I hate those words and I hated it more that they came from you.

But this was about your facebook posts. I'm changing my text subscription to you and changing my news feed. Keep doing what you want, but I actually really feel happy with my decision and don't want to have something pulling me down. To clarify on the necklace thing, I told you once that it bothered me. That I didn't need or WANT the reminder you were looking for.. that should have been enough. I shouldn't have had to straight ask you to take it off, telling you that it bothered me should have been enough. I'm not sure why it wasn't obvious that being reminded of the "past mistakes" you made in relationships would have been painful for me, but whatever. Just like when you decided to quit smoking and said that if I straight up asked you to quit it would motivate you more.. Why wasn't it enough that the pain from losing my father made it hard to be around loved ones who were smoking? I assume you noticed that I couldn't even be near you anytime you stepped outside or decided to smoke "on the way" to the car..

You never knew me. I tried to tell you once that you didn't actually understand me in the hopes that we'd both get better at understanding each other, but you were so goddamned insulted over your whole "being able to read people" thing that you couldn't listen to me. You actually even TOLD me never to say that again.. But it was true. I wanted you to know me, I wanted to help you be able to. But you didn't. So you should never assume you know what I need or want. And don't assume that it's you or that it's not someone else. Okay..

Anyway, that's not what this is supposed to be. There's no point in telling you all these things you did "wrong" when I made plenty of mistakes, too. We weren't meant to be together, Jeremy, I'm sure of that. I feel like I'm just railing you in these posts lately, but honestly this is really more for me than it is for you. It feels nice to be able to say things without getting objections every few seconds or being scolded for having hurt you.. Sometimes I have to say things that hurt. And I hope you understand how impossible it was to talk to you about things like this.. I really am sorry, but more now for not realizing it sooner than for it happening in the first place.

This is strange, because I was actually in a great mood when I started writing this, and it was meant to be a happy post of some sort. I guess for me it sort of is.. but all of this came out. Hopefully it will do that less and less as time goes by. I'm really, REALLY looking forward to tomorrow/tomorrow night.. and not so much looking forward to Saturday morning. I'm not sure what I'll do when Jose leaves.. I guess start planning the time when I can afford to visit him. :) It's been so nice having him here, and I'm sorry that for a lot of it he felt like a nuisance. I'll miss having my lunch buddy here every day.

Anyway, I suppose I'll find something to watch on netflix for the rest of my morning at work/maybe start some homework. :)

Things were completely different when I first started using LJ, and I keep saying I'm attached.. I guess I kinda am. Even when I neglect it.

Your necklace always bothered me. I told you that once, that you felt like it was a necessary reminder for you not to repeat past mistakes.. and I told you I didn't want to be reminded. That's random, but it's what your post reminded me of, saying you needed to remember past mistakes so you could learn from them. Eh.

I know it sounds bad, but I'm handling this pretty well. If I had any doubt that this was the right thing, I'd have thought more before making a decision but I honestly.. I don't know. I just feel like this is right. I'm not gonna lie, it's nice to feel like I don't have to worry about who I talk to anymore or whether I'm doing something in my day that might upset you. That thought used to be in the forefront of my mind all the time and it really stressed me out. I feel like this is getting more and more hurtful as I go on.. So I should stop abruptly. See you tonight, I suppose..